Understanding and agreeing
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
Two things that are constantly confused in an argument. Understanding what the other person has been through does not automatically mean agreeing with it. This confusion is the most common reason why conversations between couples get nowhere.
You can see it when someone starts correcting details in the middle of listening. "No, that's not how it was." "I never said that." Behind it lies the fear that listening without objecting counts as an admission.
In practice, the distinction means: you can summarise the other person's account without agreeing with it, and without giving up your own view. Only once that works does a conversation become possible in which both versions are allowed to stand side by side.
What helps is the order: first only repeat back what has reached you, and only then put your own view next to it. That sounds simple, and in an argument it is the hardest part.
If you like, I will walk with you a little further.
Every Thursday a letter, written for women, with one thought you can try out in everyday life.
If your relationship involves violence, systematic belittling, control or isolation, this is not a question of communication. In Germany, the violence against women helpline is available around the clock, free and anonymously on 116 016. Elsewhere, please contact your local emergency services or a local helpline.