How do I know a relationship no longer has a chance?

Not by the fact that you fight a lot, and not by the fact that the butterflies are gone. Both say very little. The more reliable signs are quieter: when neither of you tries anything any more, when contempt creeps into the tone, and when you no longer believe each other capable of change.

I am expressly not writing this text to make the decision for you. I am writing it so that you base it on the right things.

The signs that mean nothing

Let’s start with what is constantly taken as proof and isn’t.

That you fight a lot. Fighting is often a sign that you both still want something. Couples for whom it is over usually fight less, not more.

That you are no longer in love. Being in love is a state of the first years, and it fades for almost everyone. What comes after is something else, calmer and more lasting. Its absence is not a verdict.

That you think about someone else. That happens more often than people publicly admit, and on its own it says little about your relationship.

That it feels hard right now. Almost every long relationship has phases of one to two years that are barely bearable. A move, children, illness, losing a job. Anyone who takes stock during such phases gets a distorted picture.

The four signs that matter

1. Neither of you tries anything any more.

This is the clearest sign of all. Not anger, but the end of trying. When nobody starts a conversation any more, when you have both given up expecting anything to change, a conflict has turned into a state.

You can recognise it by a small thing: it used to hurt you when he didn’t listen. Today you no longer even notice.

2. There is contempt in the tone.

There is a difference between anger and contempt. Anger says: you have hurt me. Contempt says: you are worth less than me.

Contempt shows in eye-rolling, in mockery, in the tone people use to talk about someone they no longer really respect. Of all the signs this is the most serious, because contempt does not strain the relationship, it dissolves it.

3. You no longer believe each other capable of change.

The sentence that goes with it is usually: “He’ll never change.” Or: “I can’t be any different.”

That is not always the end. But as long as you are both convinced of it, change has no room, and then the conviction becomes its own proof.

4. You have no shared picture of tomorrow.

Not in the grand sense. It is enough if you can still imagine yourselves side by side in a year’s time and look forward to it. If one of you dodges every question about the future, that is an answer.

The three questions before any decision

If you are facing this decision right now, go through these three before you do anything.

1. Have I ever really said what I need?

A great many women leave a relationship in which they never said the crucial sentence. Not hinted at it. Not hurled it out in a fight. Said it calmly and clearly.

If your answer to this question is no, it is still too early for the question of separating.

2. What exactly would have to change for me to be able to stay?

Write it down. Not “he would have to change”, but three concrete things.

If nothing comes to mind, that tells you something. If something does, you also have the content of your conversations for the next few weeks.

3. Am I deciding out of a phase right now?

How long has it been like this? Weeks, months, years? Is something going on right now that would push anyone to the edge?

This is not a call to excuse everything. It is the difference between a relationship that is over and one that is very exhausted right now.

What needs no weighing up

There are things where none of the questions above need to be asked.

Violence, physical or verbal. Systematic belittling. Control over who you talk to, where you go, what you have access to. Being kept away from your people.

That is not a difficult relationship in which two people can work on something. There, one person acts and the other endures. The German helpline Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen (violence against women) can be reached around the clock and free of charge on 116 016, even if you just want to talk and haven’t decided anything yet.

What lies between staying and leaving

The public story knows two options. Stay or leave.

In practice there is a third, which hardly anyone talks about: staying and changing something. It never appears in a reel because it has no clear moment, no announcement, no end of a chapter. There are only weeks in which you play the same scene differently from before.

Many women choose between two options when there are three.

What I want you to take with you

This decision belongs to you alone. Not to me, not to your friend, not to your family, not to the internet.

All I wish for you is that it is not made out of exhaustion and not at two in the morning. Take the time it needs, even if the people around you are impatient. A decision you can still stand behind in a year is worth more than one that buys you peace this week.