Am I staying out of love or out of fear?

Usually both, and that is not a contradiction. Almost nobody stays for a single reason. The more helpful question is not whether fear is part of it, but whether it is the only thing keeping you there.

Why the question is so agonising

Because it assumes there is a clean answer.

In reality almost everyone stays out of a mixture. Love, habit, children, money, fear of being alone, hope, shame, a shared history, the thought of what other people would say.

There is nothing reprehensible about this mixture. People have always held on to relationships for several reasons, and very few of those reasons make it into songs.

So what you really want to know is not whether fear is part of it. You want to know whether there is anything else there.

How to tell the difference

Four clues that are fairly reliable in practice.

The thought test.

Imagine the relationship were over from tomorrow. Not by your decision, just like that.

What comes first?

Grief at losing this person points to love. Panic about how things would work in practical terms points to fear. Relief, even if only for three seconds, is information you should take seriously.

None of these answers decides anything. They only show you what you need to think about.

The direction test.

Are you moving towards something or away from something?

“I’m staying because I want to live with him” is a movement towards. “I’m staying because I don’t know how I’d cope on my own” is a movement away.

Both can be true. What matters is which one weighs more.

The future test.

Imagine the two of you in five years, exactly as you are now, without any change at all.

If the thought is bearable or even lovely, there is more there than fear. If the thought frightens you, then the question is not the relationship but whether something can change.

The storytelling test.

How do you talk about him when nobody expects a judgement? Not in a fight, not when you have to justify yourself.

At this point many women notice something that surprises them: they talk about him warmly and are still unhappy. That is not a contradiction. It just means the problem is not the person but what goes on between you.

Which fears are normal and which are a warning sign

Some fears are part of life, others point to something else.

Normal and human: Fear of being alone. Fear of what the family will say. Fear of throwing away a shared history. Fear that the children will suffer. Fear of the financial consequences. Fear of regretting it later.

Nobody has to be ashamed of these, and nobody should let themselves be pushed into a decision because of them.

A different matter: Fear of his reaction. Fear that he will do something if you leave. Fear of what he will say about you. Fear that he will take the children away from you. The feeling of having to explain yourself or ask for permission.

If you recognise yourself here, this is no longer a matter of weighing things up. The German helpline Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen (violence against women) can be reached around the clock and free of charge on 116 016, even if you don’t want to decide anything and just want to talk.

What helps when you are stuck

Give yourself a period of time. Not “I have to decide”, but “I’ll give it until Easter, and then I’ll look at it again”. Deciding all the time is more exhausting than any decision.

Change one thing before you decide about everything. Many women weigh things up for months without ever having done anything differently. You cannot judge whether something can change as long as nothing has been tried.

Talk to someone who isn’t taking sides. Friends and family usually have an opinion, and they have it before you have even finished telling the story.

Write down what you would need in order to be able to stay. Three points. Once you have them, you also have the conversation that comes next.

What I want you to take with you

There is a question I would rather ask than the one about love or fear.

Not: Why am I staying? But: How would I know that things are good again?

If you have an answer to that, you know what you are working towards. If nothing comes to mind, not even after days, then that is the real information, and it is not a catastrophe. It only means that for the first time you have listened to yourself honestly.