Why some women leave just before things get better
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
In every change there is a phase in which everything looks worse than before, even though things are moving. You can see the pattern by now, yet you still walk right into it. That feels like failure, and this is exactly the point where many people give up.
I am not writing this to persuade anyone to stay. I am writing it because this phase exists and because hardly anyone is warned about it.
What happens in this phase
Change in a relationship happens in four steps, and only the first one feels good.
First you notice it afterwards. Two days after the fight, one of you says: “That was exactly the same thing again.” This moment is usually a relief. For the first time the thing has a name.
Then you notice it while it is happening. In the middle of the fight you see what is going on and still can’t get out. This is the phase I am talking about. It is more unpleasant than the state before, because before, you were in the fight. Now you are in the fight and watching yourself at the same time.
Then you notice it beforehand. You feel the run-up before it starts. From here on it gets much easier.
At some point it goes differently without you even thinking about it.
Between step two and step three lies the point where most people give up. Not because nothing is happening, but because it feels as if nothing is happening.
Why it feels worst at exactly that point
Three reasons.
You expected more. You made an effort, maybe spent money, maybe said things that took real courage. And the fight came anyway. The disappointment afterwards is bigger than the disappointment before all the effort.
You now see everything. Before, a lot was blurred. Now you see your dynamic in slow motion, and you don’t like what you see. More clarity feels worse in the short term than less.
Hope makes you vulnerable. As long as you expect nothing, little can hurt you. As soon as you start to hope, every relapse carries weight.
How to tell where you stand
Not by whether you still fight. By this:
- How long does it take before you talk to each other again? Three days or three hours?
- Is there a sentence one of you can use to stop the fight, and does anyone use it now and then?
- Can you talk about it afterwards without it starting up again straight away?
- Do you call your pattern by its name instead of calling each other names?
If one of these has got better, things are moving. Even if the last fight was just as loud as the one before.
What I am not saying
I am not saying you should stay.
There are women who leave at exactly this point and are completely right to do so. Sometimes the clarity that emerges in this phase is the real insight: that for the first time you see clearly where you stand, and that it is not enough.
The difference is what you base it on.
Leaving because you see that the other person doesn’t want to change anything is a decision with a foundation. Leaving because it doesn’t feel better yet after three weeks is a decision made out of exhaustion.
Both paths are allowed. You should just know which one you are on.
A question that helps
If you are at this point, ask yourself this one question:
Has something changed in what you do, or only in what you know about it?
If you both just know the pattern but nobody does anything differently, then nothing is moving, and your feeling is right.
But if one of you actually reacted differently in the last few weeks, even just once, then you are in the phase this text is about. In that case I would advise you to set yourself one more period of time before you decide.
Where this does not apply
Everything described here applies to relationships in which both people basically mean well.
With violence, systematic belittling, control or isolation, there is no phase you have to get through. There, leaving is not giving up too early but protection, and the sooner the better. The German helpline Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen (violence against women) can be reached around the clock and free of charge on 116 016.
What I want you to take with you
The sentence I hear most often in this phase is: “Nothing has changed.”
It is almost never quite true. What has changed is how you see things, and seeing clearly feels worse than the blindness before.
That is not a reason to stay. It is only a reason not to base your decision on a feeling that, in exactly this phase, always says the same thing.
Frequently asked questions
Why does it feel worse even though we are working on our relationship?
Because there is a phase in which you already see your pattern but still walk into it. More clarity feels worse in the short term than less, and hope makes relapses harder to bear.
How do I know whether something is moving?
Not by whether you still fight, but by how quickly you talk to each other again, whether there is a sentence that stops the fight, and whether you can talk about it afterwards.
Should I hold on?
Nobody on the outside can tell you that. What matters is what you base it on: whether the other person doesn't want to change anything, or whether it just doesn't feel better yet after three weeks.
How long should I give a change?
Give yourself a period of time instead of a deadline, for example three months, and decide at the end of it. Deciding all the time is more exhausting than any decision.
When should I not wait?
With violence, belittling, control or isolation. There is no phase there that you have to get through.
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If your relationship involves violence, systematic belittling, control or isolation, this is not a question of communication. In Germany, the violence against women helpline is available around the clock, free and anonymously on 116 016. Elsewhere, please contact your local emergency services or a local helpline.