What is self-worth and how do you build it?

Self-worth is the quiet assumption about whether you are entitled to the same as other people. Not whether you feel good right now, and not whether you are good at something. But whether you take it for granted that your opinion counts, that you are allowed to take up space and that someone will accommodate you.

That is also why it does so little good to tell yourself nice things about yourself. Self-worth is not an opinion about you. It is an expectation, and expectations change through experience, not through sentences.

The most common misconception

That self-worth is something pleasant.

Me-time. A bubble bath. A holiday. Thinking of yourself, doing something for yourself. None of that is wrong, and none of it is what this is about.

Self-worth has first of all to do with the uncomfortable part, namely with boundaries. You give yourself your self-worth by being able to manage your own resources. Your time, your energy, your attention.

Being there for others is a lovely thing. It’s just that when your boundaries are crossed and you can set them in a calm way, you are protecting exactly these resources. That is self-worth. Not the bubble bath.

The second part, which is rarely talked about

Self-worth also means valuing your own traits. Including the ones you don’t like.

I’m lazy. I’m never on time. I never get round to exercising.

Accepting doesn’t mean you think it’s good. It means you can let it be without tearing yourself apart over it.

One question helps here: what would you say to a friend who told you she wanted to exercise and never got round to it?

You wouldn’t say: you lazybones.

You would ask how the two of you could make it work and what she needs for it.

This is exactly the tone most women can’t manage with themselves. And this is the point where change fails, because not accepting leads to self-criticism and in the end to self-hatred. Nobody changes anything from that state.

First acceptance, then change. In that order.

There is something else: these traits have an origin. They didn’t come out of nowhere, and once you understand that, you deal with them differently.

Three things that are often confused

Self-worth is the assumption that you are entitled to the same as other people.

Self-confidence is trust in a specific ability. You can be highly self-confident in your job and still disappear every time in relationships. This is very common, and it confuses many women, because they think they ought to be able to do this.

Self-trust is the expectation that you will cope with whatever happens.

These three are independent of each other. It is entirely possible to run a department and not be able to say at home that you are tired.

How to recognise low self-worth

Rarely by insecurity. Often by things that look like virtues.

• You apologise for things that aren’t mistakes. For calling. For needing time. For not having understood something.
• You don’t call your wishes wishes, but turn them into questions. “Would you maybe feel like…?” instead of “I’d like to”.
• You justify everything. A request without an explanation attached feels outrageous.
• You only realise afterwards that something wasn’t okay with you.
• You are grateful for things that should be a given.
• You are the one who keeps everything running. Always.

The common denominator: you treat your own needs as something that has to be justified, and other people’s as something that simply applies.

Where it comes from

Not from one event. From repetition.

Every person learns early on an answer to the question: what happens when I need something? Does someone come? Is it ignored? Is there trouble? Do I have to achieve something first?

This answer keeps running thirty years later, even in people who can laugh about it.

Two things about this that matter to me.

This is not a reproach to your parents. Very few families do something like this on purpose. Often the adults back then had too much on their own shoulders, or they passed on exactly what they themselves had learned. Understanding where something comes from has nothing to do with accusing anyone.

Nor is it an explanation to settle down behind. Knowing where it comes from doesn’t change anything yet. It only takes away the shame, and without shame it is easier to change something.

For many women there is a second layer: in some families, holding back counts as good manners. If you learned that a good daughter doesn’t contradict, later you have to change not only a behaviour but also a picture of what a good person is. That is considerably more work, and it explains why well-meant advice often doesn’t take hold.

How self-worth actually grows

Not through sentences in front of the mirror. Through experiences that contradict the old expectation.

That is the whole mechanism: you expect something bad to happen if you show yourself. You show yourself anyway, in a small thing. Nothing bad happens. And that twenty times over.

That is why the order everyone knows doesn’t work. Not feel first, then act. But act, and the feeling follows. Often months later.

Start small, and do it on purpose.

Not with the big conversation. With something where little is at stake.

• Say once which restaurant you want, without “I don’t mind” in front of it.
• Cross the “just” out of a sentence. “I just wanted to quickly ask” becomes “I wanted to ask”.
• Leave out a justification. “I can’t make it tomorrow” with nothing added.
• Make a decision that only affects you, and don’t negotiate it.

That sounds ridiculously small. That is exactly why it works, because the nervous system learns from small things just as it does from big ones, only without panic.

Count instead of judging.

Not “I feel stronger”, that comes much later. But: how often this week did I say something I would otherwise have swallowed? Twice is more than zero.

Expect it to feel wrong at first.

This is the point where most people stop. You say what you want for the first time, and afterwards you don’t feel proud, but guilty.

This guilt is not a sign that you did something wrong. It is proof that you did something new.

What self-worth changes in a relationship

More than you think, and not what you expect.

Women often fear that more self-worth will put the relationship at risk. In practice the opposite is more common: relationships get easier, because for the first time the partner knows where he stands.

A great many men say in my sessions, more or less: I didn’t know it bothered her. That is not an excuse. If you never say anything, you won’t be understood, no matter how attentive the other person is.

What can actually change: people who benefited from you holding back will react with irritation. That is unpleasant, and it says nothing about whether your path is the right one.

Where working on self-worth is not the answer

If you are being kept small in a relationship, that is not a self-worth problem you would need to work on. Anyone who tells you that you are remembering things wrongly, that you are overreacting, anyone who controls who you talk to or what you have access to, is taking something from you that you won’t get back through exercises.

In this case, working on yourself is not the first task. If you are in Germany, the Violence Against Women helpline (Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen) is available around the clock and free of charge on 116 016.

What I’d like you to take with you

Self-worth is not a feeling you will have one day. It is a habit, namely the habit of counting yourself in.

You don’t have to learn to love yourself before you start. You only have to say what you want once this week, and see what happens.