Why do I always make myself smaller in relationships than I am?

Because at some point it worked. Making yourself small is not a character trait but a learned strategy: in a situation where you had little influence, it kept the peace. Today you no longer need it, but it keeps running, because it was never cancelled.

It is particularly confusing for women who come across completely differently at work. That is not a contradiction, it is a clue.

What it looks like

It rarely happens in big moments. It happens in half-sentences.

• You say “I don’t mind” even though you do mind.
• You turn a wish into a question. “Would it maybe be possible to…”
• You laugh off something that hurt you.
• You apologise before you say something. “Sorry, just quickly.”
• You tell someone about something that matters to you in two sentences and then change the subject.
• You give in before anyone has even disagreed.

The last one is the most common and the hardest to notice. Many women never negotiate, because they have already factored in the outcome.

Why in relationships of all places

There are three reasons for this, and all three make sense.

Because more is at stake here. At work a conflict costs you an unpleasant week. At home it may cost you closeness. The higher the stakes, the more strongly old strategies kick in.

Because the roles here come from another time. In relationships, experiences from the family you grew up in are activated. The way you present yourself at work developed later and sits on top. Under pressure, the older one always takes over.

Because it was praised. Many women learned early that holding back is good. Low-maintenance, uncomplicated, no trouble. These are words that sound like compliments, and for a child they are. If you were appreciated for this for years, you don’t experience the opposite as strength, but as bad manners.

This third point is the one that holds people back the most. Then it isn’t about changing a behaviour, but about changing an idea of what a good person is.

What actually happens

This is where the real catch lies, and it is uncomfortable.

You make yourself smaller so that things stay calm. In the short term it works, which is why you do it again.

In the long term two things happen.

The other person gets the wrong information. He assumes it was fine with you, because you didn’t say anything. He isn’t inattentive, he is working with what he gets.

It builds up. Each single time you give in is small. After three years it has turned into a bill that will be presented at some point, usually over a little thing and with a force that, for him, comes out of nowhere.

Then you’re told you’re overreacting. And from your point of view it is the opposite: three hundred times, you didn’t react.

What helps

Not more self-confidence. Different sentences, in small situations.

Cross three words out of your language.

Just. “I just wanted to quickly ask” becomes “I wanted to ask”. Actually. “I’d actually rather…” becomes “I’d rather”. Sorry as an opener. Apologise for mistakes, not for being there.

That is the smallest effective intervention I know, and it changes surprisingly quickly how you are perceived.

Say one thing a day that is truly yours.

Which food, which film, when you want to set off. Something trivial, where nothing is at stake. You are not practising getting your way, but being visible.

Leave out the justification.

“I can’t make it tomorrow.” Full stop. No explanation, no suggestion for another date. That feels rude the first time, and it isn’t.

Pause briefly before you give in.

In those seconds you often notice that you are about to give up something you didn’t want to give up at all.

What you can expect when you start

It feels wrong at first. After your first clear sentence you won’t feel proud, but guilty. That is normal and it passes.

Some people react with irritation. Especially people who benefited from you holding back. That is unpleasant, and it says nothing about whether your path is the right one.

Your partner often reacts with relief. That surprises many women. Living with someone who never lets you know where you stand is exhausting too.

Where practice isn’t enough

If you make yourself small because you know what happens otherwise, then that is not an old habit but a reasonable reaction to a situation that is not okay. Exercises don’t help there.

If you are in Germany, the Violence Against Women helpline (Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen) is available around the clock and free of charge on 116 016, even if you just want to sort out what is actually going on between the two of you.

What I’d like you to take with you

You don’t make yourself small because you are worth too little. You make yourself small because at some point it was the smartest solution available.

Perhaps it was back then. Today it isn’t any more, and the good thing is: what was learned can be overwritten.

Start with the word “just”. That’s all you need for this week.