What 433 women wrote about their relationship

433 women applied to me for mentoring and, in doing so, wrote down what isn’t right in their relationship. When I analysed the answers, the result was clearer than I had expected. Almost all of them describe the same thing, and almost none of them describe what you find in relationship advice books.

The figures below come from two forms, analysed in September 2026. All figures are aggregated, all quotes anonymised.

The first finding: it takes years

Of 257 women who filled in a form about working on themselves, 160 said their problem had existed for years. 75 spoke of months, 24 of weeks.

That means: around 62 per cent have been living with the same situation for years.

That matches what I see in sessions. When a couple sits with me, both of them have usually been carrying the issue around for a very long time. Nobody comes after three weeks.

What this means for you, in case you’re thinking right now that you should be much further along by now: you’re not late. You’re average.

The second finding: it’s always the same word

In the second form, aimed at couples, 176 women could choose what best describes their situation. The most common answer wasn’t arguing. It was:

“We can’t get out of certain patterns.” 106 of 176, so about 60 per cent.

After that came:

• “We love each other, but it’s hard right now.” 97
• “We feel distant from each other.” 80
• “We argue more often than we used to.” 74

The second sentence is remarkable. Almost all of these women say explicitly that the love is there. This isn’t a text about couples who no longer like each other. It’s a text about couples who like each other and can’t move forward.

And the word pattern doesn’t come from me. It was the answer chosen most often. It’s the word women themselves use for their situation.

The third finding: they don’t want harmony, they want calm

When asked what they wish for, the answers looked like this:

• Less arguing and less being triggered: 129 mentions
• Better communication: 128
• More closeness and connection: 105
• Security and stability: 97

The first two are almost level and well ahead of the rest. Each about 73 per cent.

At first this surprised me, because I would have expected more mentions of closeness. Now I read it differently: closeness is the goal, but it isn’t the first step. Anyone who is constantly on alert can’t allow closeness. First it gets calm, then it gets close.

The fourth finding: anger sits on top

In the form about working on themselves, there was a question about what happens when they’re triggered. The answers:

• Anger: 87
• Brooding: 33
• Fear: 31
• Withdrawal: 24
• Physical symptoms: 19

Anger is by far the most common reaction, and it’s almost never the first feeling. It sits on top. Underneath there’s usually something else, namely fear, shame or the feeling of not counting.

That explains why so many conversations in these relationships fail. The partner reacts to the anger, because that’s all he sees. The feeling underneath never gets talked about.

The women themselves describe what this looks like from the inside more drastically than I would put it. One wrote that it’s as if her chest is bursting and there’s a frog in her throat. Another: “I block everything out.”

The fifth finding, and the most important

When asked why they hadn’t changed it so far, the most common answer wasn’t lack of time and wasn’t money.

It was: “I can’t manage it on my own.”

Alongside it, variations such as “I’ve worked on myself a lot, but haven’t found the right point” and “I haven’t received the right help”.

This is the group that has already tried. Books, podcasts, self-reflection. It’s not that these women haven’t done anything. They’ve done a lot and got stuck at a point that can’t be seen from the inside.

The willingness fits with this: 236 of 257 ticked “Enough. I want to change this now.”

What the women write themselves

These are some of the sentences from the field in which they were asked to describe their relationship in one sentence. Anonymised, but word for word.

“We’re both completely exhausted and no longer a team.”

“Good business partners, bad marriage partners.”

“It’s a marriage without a relationship.”

“Our marriage just keeps going because we have responsibilities.”

“The marriage is one-sided, one loves, the other functions.”

“For a few weeks everything is harmonious, we have hope. But at some point we get into the same arguments again and fall back into our old patterns.”

“Two souls, not understood.”

The last sentence is the one that has stayed with me most of all.

What I’ve learned from this

First: most women aren’t looking for a decision, but for a way to make sense of it. Not “should I leave”, but “what is it that’s happening between us”. That’s a difference, and it determines what kind of support actually helps.

Second: the problem is almost never the topic. Among the answers on the main problem, the partnership was far ahead with 117, parents and in-laws at 10, work at 13. So it’s not about external circumstances. It’s about what goes on between two people.

Third: almost all of them have already tried. That has changed my work. Someone who has never tried needs knowledge. Someone who has tried three times needs something else, namely someone who sees from the outside where it’s stuck, and with whom you practise instead of only talking about it.

What these figures are not

A representative survey.

These are women who applied to me of their own accord. That means they’re preselected: they’re under strain, they’re actively looking, and they’ve probably been following me for a while. No conclusions about the German population can be drawn from this.

What they do show is something else, and for me something more valuable: how women describe their relationship when they write down for the first time what’s going on, and nobody who knows them is listening.

If you recognise yourself in these sentences

Then you’re part of a bigger group than it feels like. That’s the reason I’m publishing this analysis.

And if, while reading, you thought that things are worse for you than in these sentences, because belittling, control or violence come into it: then that’s not a pattern two people can work on. In Germany, the helpline Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen (violence against women) can be reached around the clock, free of charge and anonymously, on 116 016.

Data basis

Two application forms with 257 and 176 responses, analysed on 14 September 2026. Aggregated figures, quotes anonymised.