We always fight about the same thing. Why the topic is never the topic.
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
If you have been having the same fight for years, you are not fighting about the dishwasher, about his mother or about who is tired more often. You keep carrying out the same movement, and the topics just change their clothes. As long as you work on the topic, you won’t get out, because the topic is interchangeable.
Let me briefly explain what I mean.
The sentence I hear most often
“We love each other, but it’s hard right now.”
Closely followed by: “We can’t get out of certain patterns.”
The word pattern doesn’t come from me. It comes from the women themselves. When I went through the applications for my mentoring programme, 106 out of 176 couples ticked exactly this sentence. It is by far the most common one. And 62 per cent of the women who get in touch with me say the situation hasn’t been going on for weeks, but for years.
Years. The same scene, in different kitchens.
That tells me two things. First: almost nobody is stuck because of a particular conflict topic. Second: most people noticed long ago. They just don’t know what exactly keeps repeating.
What keeps repeating
In the vast majority of couples I work with, one of two movements plays out. Often both, taking turns.
The first: she moves closer, he pulls back.
She brings something up because she wants connection. He senses criticism, goes quiet or matter-of-fact. His silence feels like indifference to her, so she gets louder or more specific. The louder she gets, the further he withdraws. The further he withdraws, the more urgent she becomes.
In that moment, both are doing exactly what, from their point of view, is supposed to save the situation. And that very behaviour triggers in the other person exactly what they were trying to prevent.
Neither of them is the bad one. The movement is the problem.
The second: a feeling shows, but not the right one.
Anger is almost never the first feeling. It is the second. Underneath it, there is usually something smaller and more uncomfortable: fear, shame, or the feeling of not counting.
Anger is so popular because it feels stronger. In that moment you don’t come across as vulnerable, you come across as big. The only problem is: the other person reacts to what he sees. He sees anger, so he defends himself. The feeling it was really about never gets talked about.
That is how you can fight about the same thing twenty times without ever having discussed it once.
Why talking in the middle of a fight doesn’t work
There is a physical reason for this, and relationship guides rarely mention it.
Beyond a certain level of arousal, the body switches over. Your pulse goes up, and the part of you that can listen carefully and weigh things up is simply no longer reachable. You are not being stubborn then. Biologically, you are no longer able to have a conversation.
That explains the moments when he shuts down mid-sentence and stands there like a wall. To you, it looks like refusal. In truth, it is flooding.
And it explains why couples often talk for hours and end up no further along than before. They are talking in a state in which talking achieves nothing.
The consequence is unspectacular, but it works: when it tips over, you need twenty to thirty minutes of distance before you carry on. Not ten. The body needs that time.
Only one thing matters here. Distance without announcing it is punishment. Distance with an announcement is protection.
Three sentences for tonight
Theory doesn’t help when the same scene starts up again at quarter to ten. So here are three sentences you can actually say. They are deliberately short, because long sentences don’t land in an argument.
When you notice it’s tipping over:
“I want to sort this out, but I’m too wound up right now. I need half an hour, then I’ll come back to you.”
The second part is the important one. Without it, all he hears is that you’re leaving.
When you want to bring something up without it escalating:
“This isn’t about who is right. It’s about the fact that I’ve been feeling alone for a few days.”
With this, you name the feeling underneath the anger, not the anger. That is uncomfortable. It is also the only thing that stops the movement.
When he withdraws:
“I think I just put you under pressure. I didn’t want to. Tell me when you’re able to talk.”
This sentence is the hardest of the three, because you have to say it while you are hurt yourself. It is also the most effective, because it is the only one that interrupts the movement instead of continuing it.
What I used to get wrong myself
For a long time, I believed couples needed to communicate better. Talk more, phrase things more clearly, use “I” statements.
That is true, but it is the second step. If you don’t know the pattern, you only communicate more neatly inside the same loop. I have seen couples who could phrase things beautifully and still ended up in the same place every time, because neither of them had seen what exactly was repeating.
The order is: first recognise the pattern, then the words.
And if he doesn’t join in?
This is the most common objection I hear, and it is a fair one.
The honest answer: a movement takes two people. If one of them steps out, the old movement can no longer play out in its usual form. That doesn’t mean everything is fine straight away. It means something changes, even if only you do something differently.
What it doesn’t mean: that you should carry the relationship alone. If, for months, you are the only one who moves, that is no longer a pattern. That is an imbalance, and it needs to be talked about.
Where this stops
Everything I describe here applies to couples who both basically mean well and are stuck in a dynamic.
It doesn’t apply when there is violence, physical or verbal. It doesn’t apply when you are systematically belittled, controlled or kept away from the people close to you. There, it is not about a movement that two people carry out together. There, one person acts and the other endures.
In a case like that, leaving is not giving up. In Germany, you can reach the helpline for women affected by violence (Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen) around the clock and free of charge on 116 016.
What I want you to take with you
If you have been having the same fight for years, you don’t have a communication problem, and you don’t have a love problem either. You have a movement that neither of you ever consciously chose.
The good thing about it: a movement can be seen. And what can be seen can be interrupted.
Start tonight with one single sentence. Not all three.
Frequently asked questions
We always fight about the same thing. Why is that?
Almost never because of the topic. In most couples, a fixed movement plays out, for example she moves closer and he pulls back. The topic changes, the movement stays. As long as it stays invisible, it keeps repeating.
My partner withdraws as soon as I bring something up. Why?
Usually because he experiences it as criticism, and beyond a certain level of arousal he is physically no longer able to have a conversation. Withdrawing is then not a lack of interest but overload. To you it still feels like indifference, and that is exactly where the misunderstanding lies.
What do I do when he goes silent in the middle of an argument?
Don't push. Agree beforehand on a sentence for moments like this and a fixed time after which you carry on, for example thirty minutes. What matters is that the break is announced, otherwise it feels like punishment.
Can anything change if only one of us works on the relationship?
Yes, at least the dynamic can. A movement takes two. If you change your part, the old sequence can't simply carry on as before. Still, you shouldn't carry the relationship alone in the long run.
When do you need outside help?
When you have known the same scene for months, can name it and still walk into it every time. That is not failure. It is exactly the point at which support helps most.
On Thursdays, I write a letter.
To women who are right in the middle of it.
Sometimes about self-worth, sometimes about boundaries, sometimes about what holds a relationship together.
If your relationship involves violence, systematic belittling, control or isolation, this is not a question of communication. In Germany, the violence against women helpline is available around the clock, free and anonymously on 116 016. Elsewhere, please contact your local emergency services or a local helpline.