Why routine isn't the enemy of love
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
The usual advice says that everyday life kills love and that you have to do something about it. I think that’s wrong. Routine isn’t the problem, it’s what carries relationships through decades. What becomes dangerous isn’t the repetition, but when nobody is really present in it any more.
What the advice does
“You have to break the routine.” It’s in every other relationship article, and it sounds sensible.
In practice, it leads couples to put themselves under pressure. The weekend trip, the special dinner, the surprise. Everything is supposed to mean something. And when it turns out to be just a nice evening after all, that feels like proof that something is missing.
On top of that comes a second effect I see more often: couples devalue their own everyday life. They have a good life, they get on well with each other, and they still believe it’s not enough because it doesn’t feel exciting.
This devaluing does more damage than any routine.
What routine actually does
It makes reliability visible. Someone who makes you coffee every morning is saying the same thing every morning. It just isn’t heard any more, because it repeats itself.
It saves energy. Couples who don’t have to renegotiate every evening who does what have capacity left over for other things. Arguments about organisation almost always arise where routines are missing.
It carries you through hard times. When a parent falls ill or one of you loses a job, it isn’t passion that holds things together. It’s the habit of carrying on side by side.
It creates the moments in which closeness happens at all. Closeness rarely happens on special occasions. It happens in the kitchen, in the car, while brushing your teeth, in other words exactly where you are anyway.
What really becomes dangerous
Not repetition. Absence.
When you function side by side without noticing each other. The same routine, but nobody looks up. That’s the real difference between routine and emptiness.
When every conversation is an arrangement. Organisation is necessary. It just mustn’t be the only way you talk to each other.
When small gestures no longer get a response. He mentions something trivial. She points at something. These are offers. What sets couples apart isn’t how many of them come, but how often someone responds. And that’s exactly what gets lost first in everyday life, usually to a phone.
When you no longer get any new information about each other. You know the answers from six years ago and stop asking.
What you can do instead
Don’t abolish the routine. Put two things into it.
One moment a day in which you look at each other. Literally. When one of you comes in, over coffee, when going to bed. Ten seconds of attention in which nothing else is going on. It sounds ridiculously little, and it’s more than most couples have in their everyday lives.
One new question a week. Not “how was your day”. More like:
“What are you looking forward to at the moment?” “What was unpleasant this week that I don’t know about?” “Is there something you still want to do this year?”
Feel free to collect a few of these and repeat them over the years. The answers change.
And a ritual that belongs to you. Nothing big. Coffee on Saturday morning, the walk after dinner, the twenty minutes before going to sleep. Something that happens without anyone having to suggest it.
That’s routine. Just one in which you both are present.
Where this doesn’t apply
There are relationships in which everyday life really does cover up the problem. If two people function smoothly and are both unhappy, no ritual will help, only a conversation.
What I’d like you to take away
The idea that love has to be exciting to be real comes from stories about beginnings. Almost all the love stories we know end exactly where it gets interesting.
Hardly anyone has told what comes after, and that’s why many people see it as something lacking.
It’s the opposite. Two people who have been brushing their teeth side by side for twelve years and still notice each other while doing it have something that doesn’t appear in any story.
Frequently asked questions
Does everyday life kill love?
No. Routine carries relationships through the years. What becomes dangerous isn't the repetition, but when nobody notices the other person in it any more.
Do we have to break the routine?
Not necessarily. It makes more sense to put two things into the routine you already have: a short moment of real attention each day and one new question each week.
How can I tell the difference between routine and emptiness?
By whether someone looks up. The same routines with attention are routine, the same routines without attention are emptiness.
What about surprises and outings?
Lovely, but not the solution. Closeness comes from frequency, not from special occasions.
What makes a good ritual?
One that happens without anyone having to suggest it. Coffee on Saturday, the walk after dinner, twenty minutes before going to sleep.
And if you like: once a week I write a letter to women.
Always on Thursdays. Short enough for a coffee break, and honest enough that you'll recognise yourself in it.