What do couples who are still connected after twenty years do differently?
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
They don’t argue less and they don’t have more in common. What sets them apart is less obvious: they find their way back faster, they don’t only talk about organisation, and at some point they stopped wanting to change the other person, without giving up on them because of it.
What doesn’t set them apart
Three things you’d expect that don’t turn out to be true.
Fewer arguments. Long-term couples who are connected often argue quite openly. They just argue differently: about one issue rather than about everything, and with an end.
More in common. There are just as many couples who share almost nothing and are very connected as there are couples with identical interests and a great deal of distance. Things in common are pleasant, but not decisive.
Especially good phases. Almost all long relationships have one or two years that were barely bearable. The difference isn’t that these years are missing, but what happened in them.
The five things I come across again and again
1. They find their way back faster.
This is the clearest difference of all. Not whether there are arguments, but how long it takes until someone takes the first step.
For some it’s three days of silence, for others two hours and a sentence at the door. Over twenty years, that adds up to an enormous difference.
This first step rarely looks like reconciliation. Usually it’s something casual. A cup of tea put down in front of someone. A question about something completely different. Both know what it means.
2. They talk about things other than organisation.
Not a lot and not deeply. But they have conversations in which no appointments come up.
Couples whose entire communication consists of arrangements become strangers to each other over the years, even if they see each other every day.
3. They respond to the small offers.
Someone mentions something trivial. Someone points out of the window. Someone sighs audibly. These are offers, and they’re easy to miss.
What sets connected couples apart isn’t that they make more of them. They respond to them more often. Not every time, but often enough.
In practice, this is the easiest lever to pull, because it costs nothing and doesn’t need an appointment.
4. They have stopped trying to remake the other person.
This is the point that takes the most time.
At some point, these couples stop working on each other’s basic traits. He isn’t going to become tidy. She isn’t going to become punctual. That’s settled.
Important: this isn’t resignation. There are still things that get negotiated, namely behaviour. What is no longer negotiated is character.
The difference lies in the question: can he change it if he wants to? Then it’s behaviour. Or is he simply like that? Then it’s character, and working against it only costs energy.
5. They tell a shared story.
They have a version of their past that both of them share, including the hard years. “Back then, when we almost couldn’t go on.”
Couples who split up usually have two different versions of the same years.
This shared story doesn’t come about by itself. It comes about because at some point, once the hard time was over, they talked about it.
What this means in practice
You don’t need to have all five. Most couples I work with have two or three and can work on the others.
If you want to start with one, take the third. Responding to small offers takes the least effort and works the fastest. It just means: once a day, look up when the other person says something, instead of carrying on with what you’re doing.
If you want to start with the most important one, take the first. Agree on who takes the first step after an argument and the longest you’ll wait. It sounds unromantic, and over twenty years it will probably save you months.
Where this doesn’t belong
This text describes couples who both want to stay and who both do something.
It doesn’t describe relationships in which one person carries everything, and it certainly doesn’t describe relationships with belittling or violence. There, lasting a long time is no achievement.
What I’d like you to take away
What impresses me most about long relationships is rarely anything big.
It’s the cup of tea after the argument. Looking up when someone mentions something trivial. The sentence “back then, when we almost couldn’t go on”, which both of them tell the same way.
None of it needs passion. All of it needs repetition.
Frequently asked questions
What do long-term couples do differently?
They find their way back faster after an argument, they talk about things other than organisation, they respond to small offers of contact, they have stopped wanting to change each other's character, and they tell a shared version of their story.
Do happy couples argue less?
Not necessarily. They argue about one issue instead of everything, and their arguments have an end.
Do we need more in common?
No. There are very connected couples with few shared interests and very distant ones with many.
What is the difference between behaviour and character?
Behaviour is something a person can change if they want to. Character isn't. Behaviour can be negotiated, working against character only costs energy.
Where do I start?
By looking up once a day when your partner mentions something trivial. It costs nothing and works fastest.
If this text touched you, I'd like to offer you something more.
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