We've drifted apart. Can it be reversed?
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
In many cases, yes, but not through a decision and not through a conversation. Drifting apart happens over years, out of many small moments in which nobody did anything wrong. The way back follows the same path: through many small moments, only this time on purpose.
How it happens without anyone being to blame
Hardly anyone drifts apart because something terrible happened. It happens because something else kept being more important, and rightly so, every single time.
The child was ill. Work was busy. The mother-in-law needed help. By the evening, neither of you had any strength left.
Each of these decisions was right. Added together, they create a state in which two people organise everything together and no longer experience anything together.
The crucial thing about it: there is no moment at which you should have noticed. That’s why it only becomes apparent when it has already gone a long way.
How you notice it
Not through arguments. Couples who have drifted apart often argue very little.
- You talk almost exclusively about logistics.
- You tell him things only days later, or not at all.
- You go to bed separately and nobody notices.
- You no longer know exactly what’s on his mind at the moment.
- Time together feels as if it has to be filled.
- It’s only from other people’s reactions that you realise you hardly touch each other.
The third and the last are the least noticeable and the most telling. Both are things that fall away without anyone making a decision.
The question that shows whether something still holds
Imagine your partner tells you this evening about something that’s on his mind. Something personal, nothing organisational.
Are you looking forward to it?
If the answer is yes, even quietly, then there’s enough there. Then it’s a question of time and habit.
If the answer is no, because it doesn’t interest you, then that’s a different situation. Then it isn’t closeness that has been lost, but interest, and that’s the harder case.
Many women are surprised by their own answer.
What the way back asks of you
First interest again, then time together.
The most common mistake is to start straight away with doing things together. That comes in too late. Before that comes something smaller: asking again what’s on the other person’s mind, and really waiting for the answer. Interest in his feelings, not in his diary.
Only once that’s back is the evening together worth it.
First the time, then the feeling.
The second common mistake is waiting for the desire. You wait until you feel like being with each other again, and then you act. That’s not how it works. The time together comes first, and the closeness follows later, often only after weeks.
That means: you make dates even though you don’t feel like it right now. At first that feels artificial. It’s still the only way.
Regular beats big.
Twenty minutes on four evenings a week achieve more than a weekend once a quarter. Closeness comes from frequency, not intensity.
Nothing organisational.
This is the only rule that absolutely has to be kept. As soon as an appointment is mentioned, the conversation tips over and you’re back in operating mode.
Give the organisational side its own fixed slot. Ten minutes once a week, always on the same day. Then it’s taken care of.
Something new, not something from the past.
Many couples try to repeat things that were lovely at the beginning. That often goes wrong, because the comparison with back then is always running in the background.
Better is something neither of you can do. A course, a route, a dish, a language. Shared clumsiness connects more than shared memories.
Ask again.
In long relationships, people stop asking questions because they think they know the answers. But what they know are the answers from six years ago.
“What’s on your mind at the moment that I don’t know about?”
That’s an uncomfortable question, and one of the most effective.
How long it takes
First changes after two to three weeks, if you really stick to the time. For it to feel natural again takes months.
What’s normal along the way: the first few times are awkward. You sit opposite each other and don’t know what to talk about. That’s not a bad sign, but a consequence of not having done it for a long time.
When it can no longer be reversed
When you both like it the way it is. Then there’s nothing to repair, but a decision to make.
When one of you has been trying for years and the other doesn’t come along, despite several conversations. Then it’s no longer drifting apart, but an imbalance.
And when there’s contempt in the tone. Distance can be bridged, disdain can’t.
What I’d like you to take away
Drifting apart feels like a state that simply happened. It’s more a sum of non-decisions.
That’s the good news in it. What came about through many small non-decisions can be brought back through many small decisions.
The first of them is a question this week.
Frequently asked questions
Can you grow close again after drifting apart?
In many cases, yes. The way back is through many small, regular moments together, not through one big conversation or a trip.
How can I tell that we've drifted apart?
You talk almost only about logistics, you tell him things only days later, touch has fallen away, and time together feels as if it has to be filled.
Do I have to feel like it first?
No, it's the other way round. The time together comes first, the feeling follows later. If you wait for the feeling, you usually wait in vain.
Does a holiday together help?
Less than regular short times together. Closeness comes from frequency, not intensity.
When is it too late?
When you're both content with how things are, when one of you has been trying alone for years, or when there's contempt in the tone.
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