Listening without defending yourself: how it works in practice

Not justifying yourself while someone tells you that you hurt them is the hardest skill in a relationship. It is also the most effective, because almost every conversation that escalates tips over at exactly the same point: one person tells their story, the other explains why it wasn’t like that.

That applies to both sides. This text is for you, whether you are the one listening right now or the one telling.

Why the reflex is so strong

When someone says “you hurt me”, you hear two things at once. Information about their experience, and a statement about what kind of person you are.

The second is almost always louder. That is why you don’t respond to the experience but to the implied accusation. “But I didn’t mean it like that.” “You misunderstood me.” “But I specifically said that…”

Each of these sentences may be factually correct. And each one ends the conversation.

Because to the other person it sounds like this: my experience counts for less than your intention.

The difference almost nobody knows

There are two things that constantly get confused.

Intention is what you wanted. Impact is what landed.

The two can be completely different, and both are true at the same time. You didn’t mean to embarrass him. He felt embarrassed. Both are true.

Most couples argue about which of the two truths counts, and there is no answer to that. Someone who can listen acknowledges the impact without taking back the intention.

That sounds like a trick. It is the whole difference.

What helps in the moment

Say nothing at first. When the urge to explain comes, wait a moment. Not to keep yourself in check, but because the urge gets weaker in those seconds.

Acknowledge the experience, don’t judge it.

“That was obviously really awful for you.”

“I understand that it felt that way.”

Important: you are not agreeing with any claim about the facts. You are only saying that you heard how it was for him. Many people don’t dare to say this sentence because they believe they would be admitting guilt. That isn’t true.

Ask questions instead of putting it into perspective.

“What was the worst part of it for you?”

This question almost always works. It shows that you are not waiting for a gap to slip in your version.

Your view only once he has finished.

“Can I tell you how it was for me? You don’t have to agree with me.”

This sentence is polite and effective at the same time. Someone who is asked listens differently from someone who is steamrollered.

Four sentences that always escalate

I name them because they are so common that we no longer hear them.

“But I didn’t mean it like that.” Puts intention above impact.

“You’re too sensitive.” Declares the experience invalid. The surest way to turn a small conflict into a big one.

“And what about what you did last week?” The counter-account. From here on it is about bookkeeping.

“But I already apologised.” Ends the topic one-sidedly, and usually too early.

If you have said one of these sentences, you can backpedal. That works surprisingly well:

“Wait, that was nonsense. Tell me again from the start.”

If you are the one telling

Listening can be made easier. Two things help the other person enormously.

Say at the start what you don’t want.

“I don’t want you to justify yourself. I just want you to know.”

That takes away his reason to defend himself.

Say what you need before he has to guess.

“You don’t have to fix anything. Just tell me you understand why this hurt me.”

A great many men go into solution mode because they believe that is what is being asked of them. Clarifying this beforehand saves you a whole category of argument.

What to do if you are both hurt at the same time

This is the most common case and the hardest. Then nobody wants to listen, because both of you want to be heard.

There is only one solution for this, and it is unromantic: one after the other.

One of you talks for five minutes, the other listens and asks one follow-up question. Then the other way round. Only after that do you discuss.

That feels artificial. It works anyway, because most couples don’t fail because they don’t understand each other, but because they both want to speak at the same time.

Where listening is not the task

If the other person regularly tells you that your perception is wrong, that you are remembering things wrongly or that you are overreacting, then this is not a communication problem you need to work on. It is something else, and it needs to be talked about, ideally with someone from outside. If you are in Germany, the Violence Against Women helpline (Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen) is available around the clock and free of charge on 116 016.

What I’d like you to take with you

Listening is often described as passive, as what you do while the other person is talking.

It is the opposite. It is the most demanding thing in a conflict, because you have to bear something: that someone has a picture of you that you don’t share, and that you let it stand without correcting it straight away.

Anyone who can do that, even for just five minutes, changes most of the conversations in their relationship.