I have resented my partner since the baby arrived. Is that normal?
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
Yes, and much more often than people talk about. Resentment after the birth almost always starts in the same places: at a moment when you needed help and did not get it, and in the experience that his life carried on while yours was put on hold. The unpleasant thing is not the feeling. It is that it stays when nobody puts it into words.
Why hardly anyone talks about it
Because it feels wrong.
You have a healthy child. Your partner is not a bad man. He helps, he loves the child, he has not done anything you could point to. And you still lie awake at night, angry with him.
In this state most women say nothing at all, because they are afraid of seeming ungrateful. Instead they collect. A sentence here, an evening there. And at some point there is a list that nobody has ever seen, and that instantly makes every new incident bigger than it is.
Where the resentment really comes from
In my work, the same three sources come up almost every time.
The moments when you were alone. Not the big ones. The small ones. The night you got up three times while he slept. The afternoon you cried and he closed the door because he thought you needed some peace. These moments are rarely talked about and almost never forgotten.
The inequality nobody decided on. His day still has a beginning and an end. Yours no longer has either. He can go to the toilet in peace. He knows what he got done this week. None of this is his fault, and it is still unfair, and both at the same time are hard to bear.
The feeling of not being seen. This is the biggest source. Not that he does too little, but that he does not notice what it costs you.
Why resentment is more dangerous than arguing
Arguing is unpleasant, and at least it runs its course. Resentment does not run its course, it is stored.
What happens then is the real problem: resentment changes how you read everything new. He comes home later, and you don’t hear “he had a long day”, you hear “again”. He does it differently from you, and you don’t hear “he is doing it”, you hear “he is not doing it properly”.
From this point on, you are no longer arguing about what is happening now, but about everything that came before. And even the best conversation can no longer get you out of that, because by now it is too much.
That is why I tell couples in this phase: talk about it sooner than seems worth it.
How to bring it up
The mistake is to start with the balance sheet. “I do everything and you do nothing.” Then he defends himself, and rightly so, because that is not quite true.
Take a single moment instead. One that still hurts.
“I need to tell you something from a while ago. The night I got up three times and you slept through. I know you didn’t notice. I was very alone back then, and I’m still carrying it around with me.”
A moment can be worked through. A balance sheet cannot.
And then say what you need. It is usually surprisingly little:
“I don’t need you to make up for it. I need you to say that you understand why it hurt me.”
What he can do, if he is reading this
Don’t explain. Don’t put it into context. Don’t say that you slept too, or that you had to work the next day.
A single sentence is enough:
“That must have been very lonely. I’m sorry I didn’t see it.”
No “but”. The “but” cancels out the whole sentence.
When the resentment doesn’t go away
Sometimes something remains, even after the conversation. Then there is often more behind it than one night. A difficult birth. A time when you did not feel safe. Something that is older than this relationship.
Then it is not a couple’s issue, but one that belongs to you alone, and it belongs in good hands.
And if you notice that for weeks there has been no joy, that you feel cut off, or that thoughts come up that frighten you: talk to your midwife, gynaecologist or GP. That is a normal step, not a big one.
If there is belittling or violence in your relationship, resentment is not the issue. In Germany, the Violence against Women Support Hotline (Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen) is available around the clock and free of charge on 116 016.
What I would like you to take with you
Resentment is not a character flaw and not a sign that you no longer love your partner.
It is what is left over when something hurt and nobody noticed.
That also means: it dissolves when someone notices. Not through compensation, not through making amends. Through a person who says they understand why it hurt.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to resent your partner after the birth?
Yes, very. It usually comes from moments when you were alone, from an inequality nobody decided on, and from the feeling of not being seen.
Why doesn't the resentment go away, even though my partner is making an effort?
Because effort in the present does not undo old moments. Those need acknowledgement, not compensation.
How do I bring it up without him feeling attacked?
Take a single moment instead of an overall balance sheet. A moment can be talked about, a balance sheet triggers defence.
What should my partner say?
"That must have been very lonely. I'm sorry I didn't see it." Without a "but", otherwise the sentence has no effect.
When is it more than resentment?
When for weeks there has been no joy, you feel cut off from yourself or your child, or thoughts come up that frighten you. Then going through your midwife or doctor is the right way.
On Thursdays I write a letter.
To women who are right in the middle of it.
Sometimes about self-worth, sometimes about boundaries, sometimes about what holds a relationship together.
If your relationship involves violence, systematic belittling, control or isolation, this is not a question of communication. In Germany, the violence against women helpline is available around the clock, free and anonymously on 116 016. Elsewhere, please contact your local emergency services or a local helpline.