Why the first big fight after the birth is almost always the same one
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
It starts with something small, usually a little thing around the house or the question of whose turn it is tonight, and within a few minutes it escalates far beyond the topic. That happens because what this fight is negotiating is not the little thing but the question of whose exhaustion counts. And nobody asked that question before.
How it typically goes
It is evening. Something has not been done. One of you says something that is half meant as a joke.
The other answers more sharply than necessary.
Then comes the sentence it is really about. Usually in one of two versions:
“You have no idea what my day was like.”
Or:
“I work all day, I come home, and I still never do it right.”
And from there it takes off.
What happens in this moment is easy to miss: you are both saying the same thing. You are both saying that you are at the end of your rope and that nobody sees it.
What is really being negotiated
Three things, and you have never talked about any of them.
Whose exhaustion counts. There are two completely different kinds of tiredness, and they cannot be compared. His has a clocking-off time, yours does not. Yours has moments when a small child smiles at you, his does not. Both are real. Every attempt to weigh one against the other ends in this fight.
Who sets the standards. How clean is clean enough. When do you pick the baby up. How long can visitors stay. In the first months, the standards are usually set by the person who is at home more. The other one feels controlled by that but never says so directly.
Who has to ask for something. This is the most invisible point and the one with the biggest consequences. In almost every couple there is one person who has to ask for time to themselves and one who simply takes it. These roles form in the first weeks and often last for years.
Why it is good that this fight comes
I mean that seriously. Couples who never have this fight are not in better shape. They negotiate the same things, just more quietly, and the bill arrives later.
This fight is the first chance to settle the three questions above while they are still fresh. In the moment it feels like a rupture. In fact it is a negotiation happening at the wrong time and at far too high a volume.
So the task is not to avoid the fight. The task is to move it to a different place.
What you can do afterwards
Don’t carry on talking the same evening. Nothing gets through in that state. Agree that you will come back to it, and set a specific time.
Start with an admission, not a defence.
“I don’t think we were actually fighting about the dishwasher yesterday.”
This one sentence opens more than any apology.
Go through the three questions one at a time. Not everything at once.
“I’d like us to talk about how tired we both are, without one of us winning.”
“Which of us is deciding how things get done at the moment, and is that okay for you?”
“Do you have to ask for time to yourself, or do you take it?”
In my experience, the last question gets the most moving. Very often one of you realises in that moment, for the first time, that he or she has been asking for something for months.
Agree on one thing, not five. For example: each of you gets two hours a week that are not up for negotiation and that nobody has to say thank you for.
When the same fight comes back every two weeks
Then the fight has become a pattern, and a pattern needs something other than a good conversation. A pattern changes through repetition, not through insight, and for that it helps to have someone look at it from the outside.
And if the words turn into putting each other down, it is no longer a fight about exhaustion. You can reach the German helpline Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen (violence against women) around the clock and free of charge on 116 016.
What I want you to take with you
This fight frightens many couples because it comes so suddenly and so fiercely, often between people who hardly argued before.
It says nothing about whether you are right for each other. It only says that right now two people are at the end of their strength and both need the same thing: for someone to see what it is costing them.
When one of you says that first, the fight usually stops.
Frequently asked questions
Why do we fight about little things after the birth?
Because the fight is not about the little thing but about whose exhaustion counts, who sets the standards and who has to ask for time to themselves. Most couples have never talked about any of these.
Is it bad that we fight so fiercely?
Not necessarily. Couples who don't have this fight just negotiate the same things more quietly. What matters is that you come back to it.
How do we get out of the fight again?
Not on the same evening. Agree on a time and start with an admission instead of a defence.
Who has it harder, the one at home or the partner who works?
That question cannot be answered, and every attempt leads straight into this fight. Both kinds of exhaustion are real and cannot be compared.
What if the same fight comes back every two weeks?
Then it is a pattern. Patterns change by repeating new reactions, not through insight, and an outside view usually helps with that.
If you like, I'll walk a little further alongside you.
A letter every Thursday, written for women, with one thought you can try out in everyday life.
If your relationship involves violence, systematic belittling, control or isolation, this is not a question of communication. In Germany, the violence against women helpline is available around the clock, free and anonymously on 116 016. Elsewhere, please contact your local emergency services or a local helpline.