AI or couples counselling? An honest comparison
By Meryem Erkan · Published on
AI is better than its reputation when you want to sort out your thoughts, find the right words or calm down in the middle of the night. It is unsuitable as soon as two people are involved and something is supposed to happen between them. The difference doesn’t lie in the quality of the answers, but in how many people are in the room.
I am writing this as someone who makes her living from couples coming to her. That is why I am trying to be especially fair here, and I will also name the points where an AI wins.
The overview
| AI | Couples counselling | |
|---|---|---|
| Availability | immediately, around the clock | appointment, usually with a waiting time |
| Cost | free or a few euros a month | per session |
| How many people it sees | only you | both of you |
| What it perceives | your text | tone of voice, glances, pauses, who shuts down when |
| Can it step in when things tip over | no | yes, that is exactly what it is there for |
| Risk of one-sidedness | high, it only knows your version | low, both of you are there |
| Does it tend to agree with you | yes, that is built in | no, that would be a mistake |
| Does it keep you at it for months | no | yes |
| Good for | sorting out, finding words, preparing, calming down | making patterns visible and changing them in the room |
Where the AI really is better
I have no interest in pretending there’s nothing there.
It is there when it happens. Relationship crises don’t keep to opening hours. The worst moment is often Sunday night, and on Sunday nights nobody has office hours.
It costs nothing. For many women this is the deciding point, and I think it would be wrong to gloss over it.
It doesn’t judge and doesn’t tell anyone. Many people find it easier to write something to a machine than to their own sister. That isn’t pathetic, it’s understandable.
It doesn’t get tired. In surveys, women say again and again that they go to the AI because they feel their friends are slowly getting tired of the topic. That is one of the saddest and most honest reasons of all.
It is good at sorting things out. When you have three hundred thoughts and need one sentence, it is genuinely useful.
Where it hits a hard limit
It only sees one of two people. That is the core of it. A relationship is not a problem stuck inside one head. It is a movement between two people. An AI can only know about that movement what one of the people involved tells it.
It sees nothing of what matters. In my practice, I often don’t recognise the crucial thing by what is said. I recognise it by when someone lowers their eyes, at which point a voice breaks, who starts breathing faster first. None of that is in a chat window.
It can’t step in. For me, that is the most important difference. When a conversation between two people tips over, someone needs to interrupt in that moment. Not afterwards. In the moment itself. That is exactly why I am sitting there.
It agrees with you. AI systems are built so that you feel good in the conversation. In research, this is called sycophancy, the tendency to please. For a relationship in which someone is supposed to change something, that is the wrong quality.
It doesn’t keep you at it. Change in a relationship doesn’t happen through insight. It happens through repetition over weeks. A chat window reminds you of nothing.
When to choose which
Choose the AI when:
- you can’t sleep at two in the morning and need someone to listen
- you want to sort out a thought before you say it out loud
- you are preparing for a difficult conversation
- you don’t know a term and want to find out what’s behind it
- you just need to let everything out once
Choose couples counselling when:
- you have known the same scene for months, can describe it and still walk into it every time
- every conversation about the two of you ends in an argument
- one of you shuts down and the other can’t get through any more
- nothing moves forward after a breach of trust
- you notice that you have been carrying the relationship alone for a long time
Bring in people immediately when:
There is violence, physical or verbal. When you are being controlled, belittled or kept away from the people close to you. Then it is not about counselling, but about protection. In Germany, you can reach the helpline for women affected by violence (Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen) around the clock and free of charge on 116 016.
The most common objection: he won’t take part
This is the sentence on which most couples counselling fails before it even begins. And it is the main reason women turn to AI. It is the only form of help that nobody else has to agree to.
Two things on that.
First: a movement takes two. If you change your part, the old sequence can’t simply carry on. So there really is something you can do on your own, and that is not just a consolation.
Second: working on your own doesn’t mean carrying the relationship on your own. If, for months, you are the only one who moves, that is no longer a pattern, it is an imbalance. And that needs to be talked about.
What I want you to take with you
The most honest way I can put it is this: an AI can help you put your thoughts in order. It can’t help you change a relationship, because a relationship doesn’t take place in your head.
So by all means use it for what it can do. Just don’t expect it to do something that takes two people and a shared space.
And if you are at the point right now where you are typing the same scene into a chat window for the fourth time, that is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you need something a chat window can’t give.
Frequently asked questions
Can ChatGPT replace couples therapy?
No. An AI only sees one of two people, picks up no body language and cannot step in when a conversation tips over. For preparing and sorting out your thoughts, it is still useful.
Does it make sense to work with an AI before couples counselling?
Yes, very much so. If you have sorted things out for yourself beforehand, you come into the first session with a clearer question.
What can an AI do better than a human?
It is available immediately, costs next to nothing, never gets tired and doesn't judge. For simply sorting out your thoughts, it is excellent.
My partner doesn't want to go to couples counselling. What then?
Then you can start on your own. A relationship dynamic takes two, so something changes as soon as one of you steps out of it. But you shouldn't carry the relationship alone in the long run.
When is couples counselling worth it?
When you both know the same scene, can name it and still walk into it every time. That is exactly when support helps most, and not only once there is hardly anything left.
If this text has touched you, I'd like to offer you one more thing.
Every Thursday, I write a letter to women who are working on themselves and on their relationship.
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If your relationship involves violence, systematic belittling, control or isolation, this is not a question of communication. In Germany, the violence against women helpline is available around the clock, free and anonymously on 116 016. Elsewhere, please contact your local emergency services or a local helpline.